The Oily Truth

Too much oily food can be bad for you, true. But what’s also true is everything tastes better either fried, pan fried, deep fried, and/or double deep fried.
That’s why the magicians at Proctor and Gamble created Olestra. Most fats have a glycerol chunk with three fatty-acid legs. Olestra has a sucrose chunk with eight (count them eight!) fatty acid chains. The Olestra molecule can’t be absorbed by your intestinal wall because it’s too big and also can’t be broken down by your puny stomach acids. This all means that you can deep fry everything and not gain a pound. EVERYTHING!
Why is this not used for everything in a country that can never stick to a diet, has to deep fry everything and leads the world in obesity? The assholes in the FDA required a warning on all Olestra’s products and products containing Olestra saying it causes “Anal Leakage”. Not many people buy things that cause that, even if it doesn’t. My problem is I can’t buy Olestra as an oil to make my food delicious all the time. They’re not selling it like that anymore (or since ever for all I know).
Thankfully, the FDA’s “Anal Leakage” warning was removed and Olestra is creeping back in the market under its new name, Olean. That is to say there are completely fat-free Doritos on the market today that taste the same. I’ve never seen them. Also, they must be doing poorly. No one buys fat-free anything; it’s been given a bad stigma by all the bad tasting food that’s come before it. I do plan on buying it next time I’m at the store just to see how it is. I have a personal stake in the matter as a man who loves everything fried yet wants to stay thin for the ladies.
Here’s where Enova comes in. Enova is any typical type of oil but at a different ratio of diglycerides and triglycerides. A triglyceride is normal fat molecule which is a glycerol chunk and three fatty-acid legs. These get digested into chylomicrons in the blood stream and then later become the fat in your ass. Diglycerides are the same only they’ve lost one of their fatty-acid legs in a war. When they get digested some of the legs get broken off of a few and reattached onto others that then become chylomicrons again. And then they go right back into your ass. The donors of those legs, the ones with only one leg left, are broken down completely and has been somewhat proven to be vaguely good for you.
The ratio in Enova is paraplegic heavy: 80% diglycerides and 20% triglycerides. Since half of the diglycerides become chylomicrons just like the triglycerides, that leaves only 40% of the oil is not digested as fat. You’re not getting much for your money, I feel, and the price is high. I looked at the nutritional information and it said for 14 grams of oil, you get 120 calories from fat. Not too surprising since it is a fat. I looked up all the other types of oils in the world and they said 119 calories from fat. Huh? Well, whatever…
So in the oil war I’m hoping Olestra wins. It’s the superior product according to the science.